I feel some old feelings riling up inside me. It reminds me of my old school emo kid livejournaling days, but this time it is not just some lame confession or boohoo sadness over stupid drama this time it just sucks and I wish things were better.
My Uncle David died early this morning. I found out at 10:00 ish. I was at work. My dad left me a voicemail, he started to cry near the end of it. For me the worst sound to hear on this earth is my father crying.
I have always looked up to him as a pillar of strength and every time he would cry I felt as if there was no hope or that there was something very wrong in the world. I have only seen him cry 2 times in my life once when he was laid off from his job at a really though time in the economy when my sister and I were still kids (he didn’t know I was awake but I heard it all and saw it through a crack from my bedroom door). The second time was at his father’s funeral. This will be the third time I will hear/see him cry.
My spirit shatters at even the thought of him crying. My thoughts are and have always been “Dad can fix/do anything” which has been always true if I ever has trouble or a problem he always had an awesome solution. When he cries I feel completely lost and unsafe/vulnerable.
That is just the sadness from my dad crying I haven’t even started on my love/loss for my uncle David. I can attribute a lot of my sense of adventure to my uncle David. He would bring me fishing, or turnip hunting, when I was a kid, while my dad was away at work. When I lived near him I would go over and visit and he would teach me all kinds of stuff about fishing, animals, he even introduced me to my first computer. Which if you know me I am a computer whiz kid now. My parents couldn’t have pets where we lived but David had cats and dogs galore that we could play with. He showed me how to fish and he would bring me around the bayou in his boat and It was such an exciting experience for a little kid. He was everything you could ask for in an uncle and more. A lot of my current personality traits and drive is because of looking up to him (In conjunction with my father)
I love the outdoors,
I love computers,
I love cats and dogs,
I love adventure,
I love these thanks to David,
I love David the most.
He later moved to Houma and started a pawn shop, he had a house, his own business friends, he threw a big crawfish boil every year for all his friends and family to go to it was always a fun spectacle.
A few years had passes his parties became smaller, a big new pawn shop opened outside of town with better selection, quality and prices. His friends moved away, his business suffered, his wife left him, his health began to wane, his liver began to fail, his pets died, he fell into debt. Soon all he had left was a pile of debt, a failing business, poor health and his dog Libby. (I imagine that the dog helped keep him going for a while) He would drink even though his doctors advised against it. I suppose anything to ease the loneliness.
He did have one thing he was hoping to do soon. Sell his house, shop, and unneeded things and buy an RV and drive around the country with his dog going to pawn shops and buying items at an inexpensive price and selling them at a higher price on e-bay since he knew the price and sell-ability of things from his pawn shop experience.
Before he could do that he got sick and got a cyst in his throat. He was discovered by his neighbor in pain in his house and rushed to the hospital, he was later operated on. His operation was a success but that wasn’t the problem the hardest part would be recovery which was up in the air as far as being able to recover from. The nurses would comment when one of us wold visit that is was great to see him have a visitor....he wouldn’t get many visitors.
What happened to David is something I have had nightmares about and is truly my greatest fear. In the back of my mind I believe it will happen to me one day. I will just slowly lose everything, wife, friends, family, shelter, etc and rely on things like a pet cat or dog, alcohol and dreams of an impossible future in futility, only to die alone.
Well, you may know my personality, never upset, never sad, about much just fun and goofy but it isn’t really the case. I am just really good at putting on a good face and plowing through the hurt, not really allowing much help from others. I do it to continue on with life, it hurts but it keeps me sane.
Not really related to or even on the same level of this situation but another “wow that sucks” moment. Today, I also found out that this girl I am really interested in (and those of you that know me I am usually the most cynical person you know when it comes to relationships) Is in a relationship now..... Dang. I suppose I shouldn’t have had such cold feet around her. I knew this would happen since I was just too burned in the past to open up and ask her out. The timing just really sucks. Oh well at least I have two cats to play with to pass the time.